WATCHWORK

TO THE WOMAN FROM THE BIRTHPLACE AND CURRENT HOME OF THE WOMEN’S WEAR WONDER FASHION 21

But really, what do turtles think about when they are inside their shell?

I suspect this: Fear - 50%, Food - 25%, Mating - 25%

But this is what I would think about: Fear - 50%, Mating - 50%

And this is the way that I wish I could actually answer that hypothetical: Contentedness - 95%; Naps, Hugs, Kisses, Brownies, Bourbon, Family, Friends, Love and stuff, Being a baby, Being a puppy, Being a baby puppy, Fresh snow, Summer rain, Rainbows, How buff I would be if I owned and used a bowflex - 5%.

What would you think about if you were a turtle hanging out in your turtle shell?

With fear and love,

-WW

PAIR

TO THE WOMAN WHO ABIDES IN NEW YORK STATE BUT NOT THE CITY

Hey.

I promised you a letter about a year ago, but then I forgot how to write and walk and how to speak the English language and stuff. It was pretty scary. And it was probably going to be permanent, but then I saw this art-haus film called Billy Madison. Not a lot of people have heard of it. Don’t worry.

It’s kind of a parable, though. And in between poignant meditations on geriatric incontinence and the trials of kidulthood, I remembered that it’s never too late to go back and learn things that you should already know and have pool parties and participate in spelling bees officiated by ethically flexible elementary teachers.

Well I thought it would be important to mention that I miss you and that when I win the lottery next week the first thing that I will do is buy a ticket to New York State But Not The City so that we can talk about that summer when I shared an uncomfortable but very free futon with my brother and how I borrowed a dining table from you and never gave it back.

BE SAFE

PAGE TWO

TO MY HOMIE FROM THE HABRA

Bazooka Bubblegum.

Does it seem at all odd that such a benign and joyful chewing product would be so aggressively named? And do you think Bazooka, in conjunction with its similarly weapon-centric confectionary compatriots, (1) is complicit in a candy-based conspiracy to militarize youth everywhere sweets are sold. Are we going to survive the coming child uprising? Do you think a child-like spirit is enough to be spared? And whom do you think they will pick as a leader? Miley? Beiber? Milonakis? Anyway. I think my kids are going to eat Lifesavers. Or apples and stuff.

Mostly, though, I wanted to tell you about my mom and how much she loved gum as a kid and how because she came up poor she couldn’t afford to buy any. So she would pick and chew leftover treasure excavated from the bottom of restaurant tables, park benches, and school desk-chair combos. And she, despite unfamiliar fingerprints, stray splinters, and mismatched paint chips, kept chewing and smiling and feeling joyful. And she loved it so much that she would tell her kids this story and laugh and blush then say “Oh, gosh” and smile.

And for me this says a lot about love. And how when you love something sometimes you do things that are stupid and reckless and bad for you, but it doesn’t stop you because it is these things that make you laugh and blush then say “Oh, gosh” and smile.

(1) Atomic Fireballs, Warheads, Spearmint, Trident, etc.

TRIANGLE

DREW